I know that’s not a very pleasant subject, let alone a subject title but unfortunately it’s something that’s close to us right now. Brad’s grandfather, Pappy, or Happy as the kids call him, is 90 years old and ending his battle with cancer. He has lived a good life and has accepted that this is his end and I believe he is at peace with it. He is still alert and able to talk with us, is not in significant pain but is nearing the end very soon. We have known that he has cancer for a while, has been on hospice for a little over a month now but still it somehow feels like this has all snuck up on us. Truly, we all accept that this the end, we know he’s ready so that helps us be at peace, but it’s still death.
Death. Such a harsh word. The finally to life on earth.
It brings more emotions to the surface and forces each of us to reflect on our own feelings of personal death, death of other loved ones and the quality of the lives we’ve been gifted with. That’s a lot of heavy thinking.
Bring kids into the mix and it makes it just that much more difficult. Kids at any age, including myself at 30 years old still have a hard time thinking of “my grown-up’s” passing away. When faced with loosing a generation everyone feels like a kid again.
On top of Pappy’s emanate passing, Helen, Brad’s mom is also dealing with the soon to come passing of her oldest sibling. Helen is one of 10 children whose parents are still alive and well. The oldest sister was battling cancer and is the final stages of her life. Like Pappy, she has had a great life, great loves and many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. None the less, it’s still taking its toll on everyone to be faced with two lives coming to a close. My children do not know Helen’s sister well as she lives out of state but it is still difficult to know that Nanna (Helen) is losing a sister. Anthony’s comment was “I would cry for ever if I lost one of my sisters.” It broke my heart because I know that ‘forever’ in his definition is not a reality yet none the less, I’m confident that Helen and the rest of her siblings are feeling the same in their hearts. It also pains me that Anthony had to contemplate that thought to come up with that statement.
As a parent to multiple children it has been an interesting observation for me to watch both situations. Both Pappy and Marion, Helen’s sister, are enveloped by their siblings. Pappy’s sister is 86 years old and not in the greatest of health herself, yet she has practically moved in with Pappy to help take care of him and he still try’s to take care of her. When we were at Pappy’s house yesterday he was having a hard time hearing Brad and I even with his hearing aids but he appeared to hear every word his sister Francis said. They bickered over silly things and had the exact same eye roll that my kids give each other now. Yet, there was an obvious deep routed bond between the siblings.
Marion’s brothers and sisters have all rallied around her to celebrate her life, help take care of anything they can, support Marions
I know this is not always the case and the question arose as to whether or not this is a generational thing or something that knows no boundary. When I’m long gone, God willing I will be before my children ever are, will my kids rally together to support each other like this? Is it a value I need to work on instilling on them? Should I be pointing out my current observation in hopes of planting the seed in their memories? Or is this one of those things that should just be considered a blood drive. Something we do with out conscious thought or objection, something done and felt all the way down to the blood coursing thru our body.
The other thing that has been heavy on my mind for a while is the obvious passage of time and how it forces me to be an adult more so than I ever considered. Most of you, readers, are the same age as me, 30-ish (ick!) so that means your parents are also in the 50-60 range, making your grandparents 70-80 range. Now is the time in our lives when we will most likely be saying goodbye to our grandparents and in the next 20-30 years most of us will have to say goodbye to our parents. How am I supposed to do that? How do I not have my mom here? How do I say goodbye to my dad?
It breaks my heart to see my father-in-law grapple with these very questions now as his father, Pappy, is packing his proverbial bags. My mom is forever altered after the loss of her father; my step-mom is still actively working thru the grieving process after her father’s recent passing. Are we ever really ready to be “grown-up?” To not have our parents? I talk to my step-dad every day; I call him for everything for cooking advice, to funny stories to fix-it solutions. Who will I turn to when he and the rest of that generation are gone? How will I know how to answer those questions when my children are in my spot and are calling me or Brad for those same types of questions. I don’t have all the answers yet, how am I supposed to respond? At what point do I age enough, grow up big enough to be the Parent? Where do I turn when I don’t know the answer to my 40 year old daughter’s questions? Is that where my siblings come back into play? Relying on each others collective knowledge of life to answer those questions?
Even now, I’m grappling with how to prepare my children for the passing of Pappy. I find myself turning to my grown-up’s who have lost their father’s, to my mom who has had to prepare my brothers and I for a funeral when our uncle passed away when we were little. I’m pulling on their collective knowledge to help me thru this. Does that make me the key keeper for this box of how-to’s? Should I be writing this all down so I don’t mess it up later in life when I don’t have Mom, Susan, Dad or Michael to turn to?
I know, heavy ponderings for a light blog but I think, or at least feel, that death of a generation is felt with a greater impact now than it was in the 1950’s. Historically, once you grew up and out of the house, you still spoke to your parents or grandparents but I think that our generation and the few before us have fostered a closer relationship to our elderly than was practiced in the 50’s. Therefore the loss of this generation has a wider impact. Maybe that’s a narrow view as I am only here now and have no references on how someone felt after the loss of a grandparent in the 50’s. I wonder how tight knit the family tree will be in 60 years from now. If my theory is true, then we share and show our love more now to the various branches of the tree thus a close knit. The benefits are obvious, bountiful and a true blessing. The disadvantage is also more of an impact of death. Are our children’s, children’s, children’s going to feel surrounded by death with such a close knit tree? Will they begin distancing themselves to save themselves from the feeling of the death of a branch? Is that worth the potential loss of the closeness during life?
Despite my ramblings, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly feel blessed to have known and been close the generations before me and all around me. Their life lessons, loves and losses helped shape who I am and thus who I am raising my children to be.
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