My weigh-in on weight

Ok so this would go under the category of “is she really posting this on the internet, let alone saying it out loud?” Yes. Part of my resolution for this blog was to be open about what was going on in my life and document it. So, be warned….

Here it goes.

I’m Fat.

Not a surprise to anyone who’s ever seen me but still something I try to hide from everyone all the time. Strange huh? Maybe that’s part of the reason I am fat is because instead of embracing it or recognizing it, I usually hide from it.

I think it’s human nature, well maybe woman nature, to want to be thinner, prettier, in better shape or to look like someone else. To be honest, I want to be thinner, trimmer, and sexier.  It’s a goal so many mom’s have (well, again, probably so many women, not just mom’s) but it’s a hard one to achieve when you spend countless days on end at home, cleaning, playing with kids who don’t care what you look like and if you’re like me, cook every meal from scratch. I spend most of my day in jammies or comfy clothes and I only put on make up or do my hair when I know I’m going to see someone other than my kids or my husband. I scramble around 10 min’s before Brad comes home trying to make myself look decent for him but, I know the truth of how I looked the entire day. The biggest loss in that is I don’t think my husband views me as sexy. Now, he will argue with you, tell you that he does find me sexy and he shows me often. I guess then, the real truth is, it’s me, I don’t find myself sexy. I feel more like a dumpy housewife and I don’t want to be dumpy, I want to be sexy to myself. Being sexy to yourself makes you confident and confidence is the sexiest thing to anyone. A huge (pun intended) part of my poor self image is my weight. Fortunately, I have no cholesterol issues, my heart, kidneys, liver and lungs are all functioning at normal capacity. I don’t have any thyroid, adrenal or other gland issues. I’ve had everything tested and tested twice. I am considered healthy, yet overweight.

If I’m being honest, and please appreciate how much this hurts, I’m not overweight, I’m not fat, technically I’m obese. (Yuck, that hurts almost as much as saying I’m 30 - Ouch!)  No matter what any medical tests says now though about my health, combine the two yuck facts (30 and obese) and I’m headed for a whole slue of problems in the near future. I also have family history of diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease and cancer. Add in the whole dumpy house frau complex and I sometimes fear I’m one muumuu away from just giving up completely.  I’d love to blame genetics, which is partially a reason, or blame some of my medications that have a ‘weight gain’ side effect but the crux of it truly is very basic.

I eat too much and don’t take care of my body.

Easy to identify, not so easy to change.

In my better moments, I know in my heart, I’m sassy, I am sexy, and I’m playful and active. Yet, I look in the mirror, a picture or see myself thru someone else’s eyes and all I see is my weight. I constantly feel judged by others for my weight. If I am at a group dinner, I fill my plate based on what I think others would suggest I eat, not on how hungry I am. I bring food to people at gatherings and pretend that I’m not hungry, or don’t want to eat what ever I brought. I hate the thought of someone thinking “see, this is why she’s fat, she cooks and eats all this crap!” I doubt that most people think that yet I still feel constantly judged. I hate that! I hate that I can’t go shopping in just any clothes store and if I do I have to go to the largest end of the rack. I’m fortunate that my husband likes a little padding on me but at this point, I’ve surpassed ‘a little’ padding. The perfect image I want of being the 1950’s mom with a homemade dinner on the table every night, happy husband, happy children and a clean home does not include an overweight “Aunt Be” looking wife. (I know, Aunt Bee was technically 1960’s, but work with me here!)

I know I should care about my kids observations about health. Being a roll model for them should be a factor in why I want to loose weight, but, its not. Let me tell you, my parents always dieted. I’m sure ‘always’ is an exaggeration but I remember everything from running a marathon to the cabbage soup diet. I swear, for at least three years of my life all we ate for dinner was boneless skinless chicken breasts. Yet, for all their personal efforts to loose weight and maybe teach me something about it in return, I still sit here 30 and obese. (yuck!) So, sorry kids, this one’s not for you, it’s for me. The home made bread, food from scratch with extra veggies and bountiful baskets full of produce are for you. When you’re grown up you will have to decide how to manage your own weight just as I have had to battle thru managing mine. I can only hope to give you plenty of food choices to open your palate to homemade, preservative free, fresh foods. Maybe even show you that change is possible. For now though, I’m focusing on myself, focusing on becoming a sexy, confident, housewife. I want to wear skinny jeans and tank tops before all the wrinkles set in. I want to bake and cook things to give away and enjoy sharing those gifts with my friends. I want to look in the mirror when it’s just me in the room and think “Damn, she’s sexy!”

 I’ve tried so many diets, routines, new mentalities and such over the past 14 years. I’ve done Atkins, South Beach, joined a gym, Slim-fast, Alli, Wii fit work out and other low cal diets that were more a way of cooking than an actual diet. All of them worked to a degree, yet, here I sit, still overweight. I think I’ve always been overweight. My mom would argue with you and tell you that I was skinny in high school. Comparatively speaking, yes I was skinnier then than now, but compared to all the girls around me, I was overweight, I just hid it well. Since I got pregnant with Anthony just after high school (a story for another day) I went from overweight to pregnant, to pudgy, to fat, to overweight. Like I said, I’ve lost the weight here and there but before August of last year, my scale hadn’t hit under 200 lbs since I was 19.

In March of last year my mom asked me to the HCG diet with her. Together, we lost a bit over 100 lbs in 6 months. It was life changing! I felt like a completely different person. I had a swagger in my step that I’ve never had, I had so much energy, I wanted to move, exercise and eat right. My mom kept almost all of it off, I on the other hand did not. I gained back a little over half of what I lost. Part of the gain was due to a new medication I started in January for my OCD, I was able to document my weight gain skyrocket as I increased my medication to the needed level, but the other part goes back to the truth that once I saw the weight coming back, I felt defeated and I kind of gave up. The difference this time than any other time in my life is I kept ½ of it off for almost a year. So, I’ve decided to do the diet again. There are side effects, it’s not perfect, it’s hard to stay dedicated to the very low calorie diet and it’s expensive but all that considered, I’ve decided it’s worth it to me.

So far, one week later, I’ve lost 11 lbs. I don’t really feel it yet or really see it, but it’s great to be doing something for myself. Plus I love seeing the scale go down! It’s hard, I won’t lie, I struggle with it every day, but I keep doing it and will keep doing it until my outsides match who I am on the inside. Until the scale gets to where I want it, I’ve decided to pretend for at least 3 days of the week that I am going into an office. I’m going to shower first thing in the morning, do my hair and makeup, put on actual clothes, not pajamas and try to take some pride in my looks. One of my favorite mottos in life is “Fake it till you make it.” I’m going to fake being sexy until I am.

(If you’re curious about the HCG diet you can check out my take on the way it works in my opening of the HCG recipes tab.)