Lost

It’s rare that I’m at a loss for words. I am usually too verbose for my own good. Right now though, I’m struggling with writing this down. I’m struggling with putting into words the feelings I’m fighting. And I’m fighting them so hard, I don’t want these feelings of sadness, grief, anger, loss and heartbreak.

A few weeks ago, in this post, I talked a tad about my ‘other lifetime’ when I was working at the call center and how much I loved it. One of the reasons I loved it so much was the people. The friends and mentors I met and had along the way. From all those years ago (almost 10 years now) only one person has remained in my life. His name was Ty.

I called him Tyco. I can’t exactly tell you why I called him Tyco I do distinctly remember however, that we came up with it late, very late, one night while we were working together with our mentor, Joel, sitting in his office. I don’t remember anymore what the nick name referred to other than I think it was something to do with Legos and Tonka trucks. What I do remember, is laughing. Laughing so hard someone fell out of their chair. Ever since then, Ty has been Tyco. He’s programed that way into my address book, cell phones and tagged as such in any photos.

Back in that other lifetime, we worked side by side for 2 years. We started out hating each other, as was the case with both of us, you either liked us or hated us. It just so happened we started out as each other’s competition and were very much alike so, we hated each other. Until we were forced to work together, then we realized just how much we were alike. We bonded on that deep, nothing on the surface in common, everything that matters alike, kind of way. He understood me so completely, more than any friend ever had. He said the same of me although I know he held many people close to his heart. We remained each other’s competition yet we worked together to help the other one achieve their goals and we always watched out for each other in that cut-throat environment.

Tyco has been there for me, and I pray I was there for him, at all the important times in our lives. He was the only one Brad would trust to talk to when I was hospitalized after my burn out in the call center. He was there the day Hailey was born and came to see me right after Makenna was born. Since our call center days, when, as he put it: I was domesticated. Our differences grew greater and greater but, in some ways, that made us closer. Our friendship was no longer based on locations, common friends or co-workers; it was just about supporting each other.

When Hailey was 6 weeks old, she was admitted to the hospital for viral meningitis.  I was staying round-the-clock with her. It was 11 or so at night and I was texting Tyco to update him on the situation. I mentioned how much the TV options sucked, next thing I know, he was sneaking into our room with supplies. He showed up with my favorite snacks, a coffee, his portable DVD player, a stack of his favorite chick-flicks and some trash magazines.

I could go on and on about the large and small, impactful and memorable times in my life that my Tyco was there for me. We didn’t always talk often, but we talked whenever one of us needed to.  Most recently, he gave me a glowing recommendation for my new job.  In his words, he “lied through his teeth.” His sense of humor was always jarring and would grab at your vulnerability’s and exploit them until he made you laugh at yourself. I mentioned him in this post: The Ability to Change. I compared him to Cher. Yea Cher. He laughed his ass off at it. Ironically, in that piece, I called him the Cher and me Sonny, saying that I was the now responsible minded individual and he, the Cher, was still out rocking the world. Now, tragically, it’s a bit more reversed than that. He’s more like Sonny. A life cut short by a tragic accident.

My Tyco was killed Valentines night in a one car rollover accident.

I’m still in shock.

I just happened to be reading the AZ Daily Star on my ipad Wednesday afternoon after spending most of the morning with my mom-in-law showing her some things on Facebook and working on a document with her. While I was flipping through the Star, I saw Ty’s full name: Gregory Ty Fitzgerald. I thought, (stupidly) “how strange, the same name as Tyco!” The article said: “Name of car crash victim released.” Again, I’m not sure why I was so stupid, but it didn’t register with me that it actually was my Tyco. I called him. Or, I tried, it went straight to voice mail. I was going to tell him someone with his name died in a car accident the previous night. So naïve I know, I don’t know what I was thinking. Eventually, after reading the full article (Gregory Ty Fitzgerald, 28, 2008 Pathfinder, etc…) I put it together. I flipped over to his Facebook page to find it a living book of memorials.

I lost it.

I called his (ex)boyfriend and we just cried together on the phone.

Ever since then, I’ve had a really hard time dealing with it. I want to call Tyco and gossip about this, as if it’s not him that was buried on Monday. Aside from Brad, he would be the only person who understands how impactful this is for me.

His family is all in New Mexico, he moved out here 10 years ago alone (well, with a friend but not with family) so his body was flown back to his family for burial in his home town.

It’s just surreal. I still, even after typing all this, feel completely at a loss for words. I can’t believe my Tyco is gone.

Tyco is gone.

I love you forever my friend. My Tyco.