Anyways, it got me thinking about how change happens. I made the conscious decision to leave the corporate world and raise my family. I decided and have loved my decision to become a stay at home mom and no longer chase the “cheese.” Those were changes I made. Yet, I never made the decision to be a crafting, home cooked meal, (obsessive) house cleaning, baking-just-for-fun type of mom that I am now. That just kind of happened, slowly, over time.
There are so many changes that I would like to make in my life. Nothing big, yet all things that I have tried to force at one time or another in my life. I’ll give you an example. I’m terrible, terrible! with cards. (Some would say the mail in general and although it does seem I have a mental block when it comes to the USPS, I prefer to think that I’m just ahead of the times, snail mail is on its way out.) My issue with cards is deep though. I don’t send out Christmas Cards, Invitations, Get Well, Birthday, Congratulations or Thank You cards. Any of them. That’s not to say I haven’t purchased thousands in my life. I’ve written poetic words, words of sympathy, words of love and support. Purchased cheesy (yes, they’re cheesy) picture post cards for Christmas that have never been sent. One year, my loving mom even went so far as to purchase the cards for me, print the return address labels and the To labels of those that she knew I would send to and she even bought me the roll of stamps and stuffed the envelops. All I had to do was put the labels and stamps on and then drop them off in the mail. Guess what? 5 years later they’re still sitting in my desk drawer in the exact same condition that my mom gave them to me.
I try to not get too worked up about non-personal cards and things like that but Birthdays and Thank you cards bug me. I grab a card, or spend a few min.’s in the isle at Walgreens moments before heading to a birthday party but I always feel like I should have given more thought into the card for someone that means so much to me. Forget about ever sending one off to someone I won’t actually see, I have a hard time even hand delivering cards to non-party birthday people.
Thank you cards haunt me at night. My kids in particular have been so fortunate and received amazing, personal and overwhelming amounts of gifts for birthdays and Christmas. It’s my job as the parent to send the Thank You’s, or at least, help them send the Thank you’s. But I don’t. I’m not going to make excuses (I’m always so damn busy, there is always something else going on that I have to focus on, I never have actual time to sit and do much let alone fill out cards) yet none the less, the excuses win every time. It usually starts out with high hopes of doing the cards the exact day the gift was received or if I’m being realistic I’ll plan to fill them out the next day. Then, it becomes the following weekend I’ll plan to do them. Then, somehow it’s two weeks past. By then I’m onto the next party, event, holiday or other planning whirl wind that I live in. Then, after about a month, I remember in a flash of pain in the middle of the night. I vow to the darkness to send them out the next day. Morning comes, coffee burns, milk sours and I’ve forgotten about my midnight vow. Every event that warrants a Thank You card brings on this month of torture. To compound matters, my OCD brain stresses me that if I start now with the Thank You cards, people will think that I’m not grateful for any previous gifts. So I start writing (in my head) long apologetic letters explaining my faults, begging for forgiveness and outlining every gift I can think of that the person has generously given. Multiply that times 3 kids, 2 adults and party guests of over 20 per party and I feel exhausted and weighed down just drafting the pre-draft, draft in my head. It feels so overwhelming that I end up just giving up. Yet, the guilt never really goes away. It just compounds.
For my birthday this year, Hailey (via my mom and dad) gave me the cutest Williams and Sonoma Message in a Cookie set. It has three shapes and lets you slide letters into the cookie press and customize a message. One of the examples on the box was a cute rectangle with the words Thank You on it. Hum. Maybe this I could do. I love baking, I can make it an event with the kids and cookies perish so I have to get them out with in a certain window. So, I set off making a double batch of these cookies. Taking the time to press into them the Thank You as if I could convey my long (admittingly over dramatic) saga containing all my faults and everything I wish I could say. I tried my best to shut out the part of my brain that said this wasn’t enough, that this was a cheesy non-personal way to say thanks and just move on. The girls and I made two dozen. Then I made homemade icing and piped on beautiful scroll work designs onto each one highlighting the beauty of the simple Thank You.
While those dried on the counter, I left to go get Anthony and my niece from school. When I came home…they were gone! All but two, one broken, one soggy. The rest were gone. Eaten by my dog. Can you believe it? My Thank You cards were eaten by my dog! It sounds like some lame excuse given to a teacher about a missing assignment. Except I’m not a kid and I wasn’t giving these to a teacher for credit, I was trying to change. I was trying to force a change that I’ve been ever unsuccessful with. If it wasn’t for the complete laugh-ability of the situation (come on, say it with me – My Dog Ate My Thank You’s!) I would have cried.
Laying in bed that night, I vowed once again to push forward, push myself, and make the change. So, I got up the next morning and right away made the dough so I could let it rest while I was at the gym (another change I’m trying to force – but that’s another story) taking away any out of time excuse I might have used considering I was due to see some of the recipients that night. I did it, I actually did it, I re-made the cookies, re-frosted them and packaged them up ready for delivery. I even remembered to bring them along. When I got to Bunco, though, I hesitated. I had two sets of Thank You cookies, one for one aunt and one for one cousin who had recently given me a birthday card and gift. What about the other aunts and cousins who had previously given me or another member of my family gifts. What would they think if they saw me handing out Thank You’s. Would they think I didn’t appreciate them? Would they think I didn’t care enough to give them thanks? Had they never noticed my lack of thanks? Would this rub salt in a wound that I inflicted by not thanking them? (I also considered the fact that I am just OCD and crazy and quite possibly making a deal out of nothing. But that’s never stopped my obsessing before and it didn’t now.)
One aunt (not the one I was giving the cookies to) in particular sticks out, she couldn’t come to one of my kids parties a while ago but sent along a beautiful card that my daughter actually treasured until it fell apart and she sent along a generous amount of money. Money that Hailey, the birthday girl, had so much fun spending that I contemplated videoing her spending it at Target just so this aunt could see how much joy she brought to my daughter. I didn’t though. I had grand plans to send a Thank You letter explaining the joy and then one thing lead to another, our vacation came and went and we were over a month out from that birthday party. I never said anything. It has bothered me when I’ve seen her at Bunco since then, and I’ve had a million conversations with her in my head over it but those don’t count.
Yet, here I stood, Thank You’s in hand for a different aunt and I couldn’t bring myself to bring attention to it. I chickened out and snuck them in their purses as I left.
I was contemplating the whole “ability to change” concept the entire ride home. Here I had pushed myself out of my element. Tried to change my ways yet I still felt horrible and overridden with guilt from previous infractions. I was happy I had over come the obstacle at least once (well twice if you count the whole “Dog ate my Thank You’s”) but still, how do I make this right on the whole issue? Should I or should I just move forward? I contemplated a 12 step program for myself “Perpetual non-card senders – Anonyms.” Then, thank to the wine at Bunco, I got sidetracked on the oxy-moron of being in an anonyms club to help cure not being upfront about something. Before I knew it I was home.
Walking up to my house from the curb where my mom dropped me off, I was set in my resolve to force this change. I hopped out with out my shoes on and hobbled across my rock landscape jumping from one brick paver to another. I only have 4 pavers and I clearly need 6. I’ve needed 2 more for over 6 years now. My dad bought the 4 for us way back before we were in this house. The 4 were perfect for the little walk way in our old house. Now, in this house they’re not enough. I’ve been 2 short for too long. Yet another shining example of a seemingly small change that I just can’t force myself into making.
On that self hating note, I climbed into bed next to my loving, devoted husband under the roof of the welcoming home we’ve created that housed beautiful children we’re proud of and vowed a different vow. I vowed not to beat myself up over change that I couldn’t force.
I’m not giving up, I will change things about myself many times over in my life. I’m just going to try to not beat myself up over who I am, and who I am not.
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