Tomorrow is my birthday. 11-10 is my day. I use to never worry about how “old” I was getting. I took it all in strides in my 20’s, I even made jokes: “I’m not going to be 30. I’ll stop at 29” It was a joke when I said it and I truly had no grudge against 30 until it approached. My over-thinking OCD brain started into a dark downward spiral.
“What if I die before my 30th birthday?”
“What if I get into an accident in my 30th year and die?”
“Did I jinks myself for all those years and now I’m not going to actually be 30?”
I started looking at what I could no longer do. If I went back to school, I couldn’t fit in as one of the kids in their 20’s I’d be the adult in her 30’s. I had a whole list of things that I’d accomplished and was proud of but an even larger list of things that I felt would expire past 30. A list of regrets.
Needless to say, I put on a good show, had fun with family and friends and made an appointment with my psychologist. I made it thru and feel secure in 30. Yet, as 31 loomed, I again started feeling anxious and began building my list again. What did I do or not do this year, how am I treating my 30’s? Will I regret them when I get to 40’s?
Then, randomly, I came across this quote two days ago: “A (wo)man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”
Lets just paraphrase it and say it again: You will be young as long as your list of dreams is longer than your list of regrets.
Interesting huh? Are you young or old? If I look back on how I thought of my life this time last year, I was old. This year, I’m shifting, I will now look at things left undone as future goals and dreams.
My G-ma always says “It won’t matter in 50 years.” She usually applies it to things like having a clean house, or if her shirt was ironed or not before an event. However, its kind of stuck in my head for many more things.
In 50 years:
- I will be 80 (81 after tomorrow)
- My kids will be 60, 54 and 52 years old
- I will most likely be a grandma, possibly a great grandma
- I will have had jobs, lost jobs, moved, got new cars, kept old cars
- I will hopefully taken many vacations
- I will have buried close family members
- I will hopefully dance at my children’s weddings and help them make a home of their own
Will anyone remember me, or my worse fear – judge me – for not going to college right out of high school? Will anyone remember how I kept house on a day to day basis? What about the kind of furniture I kept? Or how terrible I am with thank you cards? Will anyone know my regrets?
Will the accomplishment of my dreams and the resulting life I lead mean enough to make me feel young at 80? Will it really matter in 50 years?
Tonight, the eve of my 31st birthday, cuddled in my husband’s arms, under the same roof as our children, I am building my list of goals and dreams for the next month, year, decade and several more after that. I will not hide my regrets nor will I write them in stone, but rather on parchment, in pencil. My future goals and dreams may have a way of making the regret disappear.
Some of my dreams are easy to identify and some take more effort to quantify. Some are dreams I will dream forever and some are bound to change through the years.
When I blow out the candles this year, my wish will be:
To live a good life filled with dreams and accomplishments, surrounded by my beautiful, devoted family and loving friends and to be strong enough to be a support towards their goals and dreams.
Beautiful!
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