Grief

Grief is a strange monster.

I am still processing Ty's death. (It still even feels strange to write that sentence.) It's not like this is my first experience of death of a loved one either. We lost Pappy last year and 5 years ago we lost Papa. Yet, Ty's death feels harder for me to process. I am functioning fine, my house is clean (ish), my kids/hubby are happy, food's on the table and everything is going fine at work. Yet, 4 times now, I've woken up in the middle of the night crying from some dream related to Ty. Maybe I'm not processing it as well as I think I am.

Part of it I know is that I am not in 'action' mode. When Pappy and Papa died it was a slow process filled with hours of bed-side grieving and affairs to wrap up. After they passed we had houses to clean out, funerals to plan, family surrounding us. With Ty, I'm not a part of any of that. I didn't really know his family and we did not have any real mutual friends. A few mutual acquaintances have contacted me to share stories and condolences but most are from so far back in my past it's hard to connect with them. One person, who was an employee of mine and eventually Ty's as well sent me a message saying how grateful he was for the second chance Ty and I gave him many years ago that set him on a better path in life. It was all Ty, he was the heart, I was the business. He kept me grounded when I would fly off the handle. He taught me to always listen first, react second. A lesson I still struggle with today.

I've thought about reaching out to Ty's family more than just the condolence notes I've sent but I feel like I would just be an interloper in their grief. I doubt they know more than my name from a passing reference and the only stories I could share echo all the stories from all the other lives Ty touched. In other words, I don't feel like reaching out to his family would benefit them and I in no way want to remind, distract from or add to their grief. After all, they lost a son, brother, grandson, nephew and uncle in a quick, illogical, tragic death. The best remedy for them is family. That's what got me through Papa and Pappy's deaths.

For me, I guess this is a lesson in processing. Grief happens. Tragedy strikes. I guess, if I'm being optimistic about it, or more true to Ty's style: realistic about it. This is my lesson on processing grief mentally only. I don't have the chance to go into 'do-er' mode and process my grief through functional physical activities. As usual, Ty's teaching me a lesson I don't want but obviously and desperately need.
Thanks a lot punk!

Miss you.