Lost

It’s rare that I’m at a loss for words. I am usually too verbose for my own good. Right now though, I’m struggling with writing this down. I’m struggling with putting into words the feelings I’m fighting. And I’m fighting them so hard, I don’t want these feelings of sadness, grief, anger, loss and heartbreak.

A few weeks ago, in this post, I talked a tad about my ‘other lifetime’ when I was working at the call center and how much I loved it. One of the reasons I loved it so much was the people. The friends and mentors I met and had along the way. From all those years ago (almost 10 years now) only one person has remained in my life. His name was Ty.

I called him Tyco. I can’t exactly tell you why I called him Tyco I do distinctly remember however, that we came up with it late, very late, one night while we were working together with our mentor, Joel, sitting in his office. I don’t remember anymore what the nick name referred to other than I think it was something to do with Legos and Tonka trucks. What I do remember, is laughing. Laughing so hard someone fell out of their chair. Ever since then, Ty has been Tyco. He’s programed that way into my address book, cell phones and tagged as such in any photos.

Back in that other lifetime, we worked side by side for 2 years. We started out hating each other, as was the case with both of us, you either liked us or hated us. It just so happened we started out as each other’s competition and were very much alike so, we hated each other. Until we were forced to work together, then we realized just how much we were alike. We bonded on that deep, nothing on the surface in common, everything that matters alike, kind of way. He understood me so completely, more than any friend ever had. He said the same of me although I know he held many people close to his heart. We remained each other’s competition yet we worked together to help the other one achieve their goals and we always watched out for each other in that cut-throat environment.

Tyco has been there for me, and I pray I was there for him, at all the important times in our lives. He was the only one Brad would trust to talk to when I was hospitalized after my burn out in the call center. He was there the day Hailey was born and came to see me right after Makenna was born. Since our call center days, when, as he put it: I was domesticated. Our differences grew greater and greater but, in some ways, that made us closer. Our friendship was no longer based on locations, common friends or co-workers; it was just about supporting each other.

When Hailey was 6 weeks old, she was admitted to the hospital for viral meningitis.  I was staying round-the-clock with her. It was 11 or so at night and I was texting Tyco to update him on the situation. I mentioned how much the TV options sucked, next thing I know, he was sneaking into our room with supplies. He showed up with my favorite snacks, a coffee, his portable DVD player, a stack of his favorite chick-flicks and some trash magazines.

I could go on and on about the large and small, impactful and memorable times in my life that my Tyco was there for me. We didn’t always talk often, but we talked whenever one of us needed to.  Most recently, he gave me a glowing recommendation for my new job.  In his words, he “lied through his teeth.” His sense of humor was always jarring and would grab at your vulnerability’s and exploit them until he made you laugh at yourself. I mentioned him in this post: The Ability to Change. I compared him to Cher. Yea Cher. He laughed his ass off at it. Ironically, in that piece, I called him the Cher and me Sonny, saying that I was the now responsible minded individual and he, the Cher, was still out rocking the world. Now, tragically, it’s a bit more reversed than that. He’s more like Sonny. A life cut short by a tragic accident.

My Tyco was killed Valentines night in a one car rollover accident.

I’m still in shock.

I just happened to be reading the AZ Daily Star on my ipad Wednesday afternoon after spending most of the morning with my mom-in-law showing her some things on Facebook and working on a document with her. While I was flipping through the Star, I saw Ty’s full name: Gregory Ty Fitzgerald. I thought, (stupidly) “how strange, the same name as Tyco!” The article said: “Name of car crash victim released.” Again, I’m not sure why I was so stupid, but it didn’t register with me that it actually was my Tyco. I called him. Or, I tried, it went straight to voice mail. I was going to tell him someone with his name died in a car accident the previous night. So naïve I know, I don’t know what I was thinking. Eventually, after reading the full article (Gregory Ty Fitzgerald, 28, 2008 Pathfinder, etc…) I put it together. I flipped over to his Facebook page to find it a living book of memorials.

I lost it.

I called his (ex)boyfriend and we just cried together on the phone.

Ever since then, I’ve had a really hard time dealing with it. I want to call Tyco and gossip about this, as if it’s not him that was buried on Monday. Aside from Brad, he would be the only person who understands how impactful this is for me.

His family is all in New Mexico, he moved out here 10 years ago alone (well, with a friend but not with family) so his body was flown back to his family for burial in his home town.

It’s just surreal. I still, even after typing all this, feel completely at a loss for words. I can’t believe my Tyco is gone.

Tyco is gone.

I love you forever my friend. My Tyco.

Not his Valentine

Isn't this a cute Teddy bear? A Teddy bear holding roses, wearing a golden locket necklace? A perfect Valentines gift.

Sadly, it's not for me.

After spending 20 min's in Walgreens picking out these three things (including "her" favorite candy) he came home, carefully unwrapped everything, took the tags off, put the necklace on the bear and then wrapped it all up.

He, is Anthony, my 11 year old (11!, 5th Grade!) and the "she" is his secret crush. I had to take him to school extra early today so he could sneak it into her classroom and put it on her desk before anyone saw him. No note, no indication that it's from him except, according to him, his attempt at making absolutely no direct eye contact with her today. As if that would be a dead giveaway.

I remember 5^th grade. I woke up Valentines morning after dreaming of this very scenario, a secret crush leaving me a thoughtful gift I could treasure for a life time. Unfortunately, it never happened, I never had a secret admirer. I was a bit more ‘outgoing’ for anything to be secret about me. My son however, it seems, is that boy, to some girl. Some girl who probably woke up this morning from the same style dream I had many years ago but, unlike me, she walked into the classroom today and found a well wrapped cute, memorable and thoughtful gift from a secret admirer waiting for her.

Knowing 5^th grade girls, she probably died of embarrassment. (And is hopefully cuddled up with the teddy bear, wearing her locket, right now.) J

Peanut Butter Hearts (Reese's style)

Happy Valentines Day!

Brad loves Reeses peanut butter cups so for Valentines day I decided to try and make him some homemade ones. I saw this recipe on line (Yea, via pintrest, isn't everything via pintrest these days?) and decided to try it out.

These are....AMAZING! Better than Reeses, sorry, but true.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 C Peanut Butter - creamy is our choice

3 C Powder Sugar

1 C Cake flour*

1/4 C butter

6 Tbsp milk

In your mixer, mix the peanut butter, butter, powder sugar and flour until its a coarse mixture. Then add the milk a tablespoon at a time until the dough comes together into a play dough consistency.

*The first batch I made with 4 cups of powdered sugar but I didn’t care for the taste, so the second batch I substituted 1 cup with the cake flour. The second batch was much better in my opinion; it was sweet but did not have the ‘chemical’ taste like the first batch. Cake flour is softer than all-purpose flour but I would think you could use all-purpose if you wanted.

Taking out about 1/4 cup at a time, roll the dough out to about a 1/2 inch thick. Any thinner and they don't stand up to the chocolate. I found it was also easier to work with only a 1/4 cup of the dough at a time, any more and they were hard to pry off the counter top. It helps to sprinkle some powder sugar or flour down before you roll it out. Place the peanut butter hearts on a cookie sheet lined with parchment or saran wrap. Freeze for at least 30 min's.

Usually I buy chocolate bark for all my "coated" projects but this time I wanted these to be as close to the real thing as possible so I bought several Hersheys bars to melt instead. 'Nuke them in a microwave safe bowl for 10 seconds at a time until smooth. Then, dunk the frozen peanut butter heart in and flip over with a fork.

Gently bang the fork on the side of the bowl to knock off some of the excess chocolate. Scrape the back of the fork over the edge of the bowl then transfer the heart to another lined cookie sheet.

Add sprinkles or chopped nuts.

These are seriously so delish! However, because of the Hershey's chocolate they do melt quickly so keep them in the fridge, if they last past the first serving.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Family Village

Thanks to my fantastic family, we all survived this last 8 days of me at work. You know the phrase: “it takes a village…” Well, I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by a village. My mom and step-dad watched the big kids every day after school and the little girls almost every other day. My sis-in-law and mom-in-law took a day each to watch the little girls and Brad even took a day to work from home. My dad and step-mom even helped out all the way from Texas! Even non family members, our best friends (family of our hearts), helped out tremendously. I feel so blessed. I never had to worry about the kids, where they were or if they were ok.

They had a blast every day! Picnics, McDonnalds, trips to the Park, sleep-overs, art projects, treasure hunts and rocket building. I tried to have a crock-pot meal ready to go every day so whenever we got home we had a good home cooked meal ready for us. By about Wednesday I kind of petered out. I was tired, cranky and ready to just be home. As it happens, that was the day of my first paycheck, so I treated us all to sushi and pizza. (Lovely combo huh! It made the car stink! But I wanted to treat Anthony too and he doesn’t like sushi.) Despite the great dinner and my blast to clean up the house, Thursday wasn’t any easier. Never the less, I survived Thursday made it to Friday and rewarded us with dinner out and a movie.

The question everyone kept asking me was if this time in the office was making me want to go back to work? In truth, I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. Years ago (I call it another life time) I was a big-wig at a call center dealing with fortune 500 companies. I loved it, absolutely loved it and miss it often. The problem is, I can’t do anything ½ way. Its genetic. I can only give all of myself to something, not parts. So, back then, I worked 12-14 hrs a day and over 80 hours a week including weekends. I hardly ever saw my family and was not the mom I should have been to Anthony, nor the wife I should have been for Brad. Thankfully, again, my village pitched in a raised Anthony into the beautiful spirit he is today.

 After 5 years of running at full steam, I crashed.  My marriage was on the rocks, my son and I weren’t connected the way we should be, my extended family barely knew me anymore and my health was severely lacking.

It took me a few years to recover. Wondering thru my life trying to figure out if I could balance who I wanted to be and who I was in a working environment. I tried staying home during that time and ended up sleeping more often than anything so that wasn’t healthy. I went to massage school for a year, loved it, but never pursued my license.  Massage school was the equivalent of my college experience that I never had but working in the plinky-plunky, touchy-feely environment just didn’t appeal to me on a long term basis. So, I was still wondering.

Eventually I had to get another job, so I found one that had no room for advancement, no corporate ladder available and had set hours that were worthless to work past since no one, ever, anywhere, ever did. As I’m sure you could guess, I hated it, it was boring, pointless.

Then, in 2007, my life changed dramatically. I got the chance to start over. The chance to do it right. I became a mother to a second baby and, 16 months after that, a 3^rd baby. It wasn’t until the girls were born that I felt like I fit in my world again. Starting from the beginning of the girls childhood allowed me to grow into the mother roll that I always felt like I missed. I am able to connect with Anthony more now than I ever feel like I did before. Being a stay at home mom to multiple kids was and is what my spirit was looking for.

All of that long story being said, the answer to the question is yes, I want to go back to work. Someday. Right now, my place is here at home with my kids and I love that I can do it. The on Call job I started 5 years ago has given me the perfect balance between keeping a pay check, being able to help clients yet keep my focus completely on my family. Going into this new job, working in the office for the last 8 days has been fun and renewing to my worker spirit but I have no desire, yet, to stay in an office. The nice thing about my new company is that when I’m ready, there are a million places I can go. I can go into any one of the 20 local offices, pick up more offices for on call or even transfer to another state if I ever wanted to.

For now, I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to stay home with my kids, run my house and give my all to being a 1950’s housewife, all while working a worthy job that helps financially support the family. It’s my time in life to be a part of the village, not rely on it.

The first day

Shh! Its 5:45am and my house is serenely quiet. Everyone but me is still asleep, blissful unaware of the day yet to come. I have exactly 45 min.’s until Anthony and Brad’s alarm goes off and 50 min.’s until the girls are up. Then, their little worlds will switch to upside down mode. I start my new job today. I prepared everything I could last night so that we could be quick and efficient this morning without yelling or stressing about running behind. Outfits are picked out and stacked neatly in the bathroom, showers and baths were taken last night, tonight’s dinner is ready in the crock pot and lunches are made.

Yesterday didn’t go exactly as I planned. Instead of the final prep for this next week of in-office work, I spent most of the day at the Chiropractor and Urgent Care. I sprained one of my right shoulders rotator cuff muscles.  It’s not a bad injury, it will heal, it’s just painful! Oh, and the main style of movement I’m not supposed to do is lift a phone to my ear. Nice huh? On the up side, the girls spent the day with Aunt Sasha and had a blast. They went to the park and ran a few errands and got spoiled by everyone they encountered.

Once I finally got home, I noticed that Hailey was really quiet. I thought maybe she was just tired from running around with Sara and Kenna all morning so I just let her be. Finally, once we were home from running our errands, I asked her if she was ok? She looked up at me with an almost blank expression. Then, the giant crocodile tears started to fall down her face.

“I don’t want you to go away Mom, I don’t want you to go to a new job, I want you to stay home with me.”

Ugh.

All she’s ever known is me at home. I’ve done the on call job since she was 6 weeks old. The last time I had to go into an office she was too little to even know. So, we sat down together and made a calendar of the next two weeks. We mapped out where she would be, who she would be with and when Mommy would be home. We drew happy faces on the weekends, talked about when I would pick her up each night and all the fun things she’s going to get to do with her family while I’m at work. The calendar is taped on her door and she gets to mark off each day so she knows what her next day is.

It’s funny how much of an impact me being at home has on a whole range of people. Being my normal OCD self, I’ve created a schedule for the next few weeks. It’s a day by day, hour by hour schedule of who is where, when and how everyone’s getting to their spots. Sounds a bit anal for even me but there are a total of 13 people’s lives that are affected by this. I’ve discovered that I’m a stay at home mom to more than just my 3 kids.  A lot more people rely on my open availability, my flexibility in schedule and reliability in being home whenever I’m needed.

We’ll survive. It only for two weeks.

Now, its 6:15 and I need to go try to dry my hair with my left hand and figure out how to put make up on left handed. Wish me luck! I have this vision of myself at the office today with messy-ratted hair, buttons misaligned, make up smudged in all the wrong places, pacing up and down the break room reassuring my children that I will be home in 5 hours….4 hours…3 hours….

Somehow much closer to luke-warm mess than I will ever be to hot mess.