Conversations with a 10 year old

Anthony is working studiously on his badges for Cub Scouts (Webelos actually) and is about to “Cross the Arrow of Light” into Boy Scouts. It’s a great tradition and something that we are all very proud of. Brad was a scout and so were many of Anthony’s grandparents.

Brad and Anthony were working on a scout badge the other night that revolved around personal safety. The pamphlet that they were working from is titled “How to Protect your Children from Child Abuse: A Parents Guide.” It truly is a great pamphlet that highlighted how to have conversations with your scout about appropriate relationships with adults and what child abuse is. In theory, I support awareness in hopes of prevention but I’ll admit it was very difficult to have these conversations with Anthony. In order to explain to him how to prevent child abuse in its various forms, including sexual, we had to explain to him what it is in the first place. He has never really had any reason to contemplate abuse in any form other than being upset at us for grounding him or a swat on the butt when he was younger.

Watching his face was a slow motion caption of heart break for me. He listened, then absorbed what we were saying, what cruelties could happen in the world to children at the hands of trusted adults. You could almost watch his mind come up with ‘real life’ scenarios for each of the atrocities he was learning about. It was painful.

I wanted to stop so bad and let him go on in his naive way, not knowing about the big bad world, thinking we, his parents and close family, could protect him from ever knowing these horrible things. I knew though, that, God forbid, he were ever exposed to any form of abuse, knowledge would be his power. By sheltering him from the very idea of child abuse I was making him that much more vulnerable. It haunted me though. I could see his wheels spinning and so badly wanted to see his visions, swear to him that I would never ever in a million years let them happen to him. Hug him tight and reassure him that these were just terrible things that happened to other people never ever to him but that’s not the way the world works and all I could do was remain calm, talk openly, objectively and at his level. We did our best to reassure him of his safety and inform him that his knowledge was his power. At the very end, before he bound off to go play legos, relatively unchanged by his passing thoughts, I did hug him, hard. I tried to convey every motherly protection mantra I was thinking into my hug. I’m sure, in his 10 year old mind he just though I was being mushy, but I slept a little better knowing I hugged him with everything I had after such a difficult conversation.

I’m a mean mom

I’m a mean mom, I’ve accepted this fact and I guess, my kids will too. I can hear my mom telling me “Be careful what you say, if you say you’re mean, your kids will think you’re mean, if you say you’re nice they’ll think you’re nice. To an extent she’s right and I usually try to live by that but in this case, I think I’m ok with being a mean mom.

Anthony’s mid-term grades came in Friday. I knew something was up when he greeted me at the door with head hung low. “Hi, Mooooom.” (You know, that long drawn out ‘O’ that’s accompanied with a frown.) He handed me a packet of paper and said that it was grades. Obviously, being one of the sharper pencils in the box, I figured out that they weren’t good but he’s always hard on himself so I still had high hopes.

Yea, I should have listened to him. They were bad. Really bad.

(Ok, don’t panic.)

Me: “Anthony it’s Friday night, you’re spending the night at Grannie and B-pa’s and me and Dad are going on a date. We’ll talk about this tomorrow after the party.

Nothing like putting off today what you can do tomorrow. Plus I needed a bit to read thru it and compose my response.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon after the party for my niece and nephew.  

(By the way, the Oreo Truffles turned out great again.

I’m getting this down to a science! I whipped out 80+ in just a few hours. I even had time to tie cute little rainbow colored ribbons on the end of the sticks.)

The grades were actually a bit better than I thought. The letters were still bad (D’s and F’s) but it’s not because of lack of understanding it’s from not turning in papers. I was worried that somehow in the few weeks of school and homework I’d been missing some major struggles somewhere. I was relieved that the individual papers he has turned in were all A’s or B’s but seriously disappointed that it all went down hill because of not turning in work. Work I knew he’d done because his teacher and I check off his daily log every day. So, we set an organization plan in place to help him find his work and get it turned in on time as well as a plan for the teacher to keep me informed if something’s missing so I can help hold Anthony accountable.

There’s a fine line between hand-holding and supporting. We try really hard to help Anthony be successful but not do it for him. He is the type of kid who has serious organization issues, serious! I could dump out his folder every day, organize it and go thru each paper with him but I don’t. It’s his job. My job is to look at the tracker and help with the homework. Honestly though, it’d just rather do it for him. I know he would get much better grades if I did but that’s not the point. (Right?)

That solved the issue but we still had to deal with the consequences. That’s why he was hanging his head on Friday, he knew those grades weren’t acceptable and he was going to be in trouble. (At least I’m a predictable parent, right?) So, grounded it was. Grounded from video games, lap-top (other than homework) and choice in T.V. The last one is a bit sketchy because its not that he’s grounded from T.V. because its always on in our house (yea, I know, I know) its that he does not get a say in what’s on or get to turn it on when we are not watching it.  Regardless, he accepted his punishment and the terms: Grounded until grades improve to above at least a ‘C.’ His teacher assured me that if he stays on trend with the quality of his work and turns in everything from here on out, his quarter grades will come up easily. Still, he has a long road to go.

We’ve talked about grades for years, discussing what would happen if he got bad grades. I’ll admit that I don’t really want to punish him for this; I think his work is good it’s just the missing assignments. I kind of envisioned the whole punishment for grades thing would be for lack of trying or being too distracted to study and do homework appropriately, thus grounding would solve the distraction issue. But, because we’ve said for the past 3 years that bad grades are punishable offenses in our house I kind of had to follow thru.

Yesterday, he came home from school, did his homework and had to do his daily chores. Yes, he has daily chores. Not to be confused with weekly chores. Daily he’s responsible for emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, cleaning the rabbit cage and switching the loads of laundry. Weekly he has to clean his room. (I mentioned I’m a mean mom, right?) We don’t pay for chores either. He can do extras around the house to earn money but we’ve always said that regular chores are part of life, (no one pays adults to keep a clean house) so no money for chores.

Anyways, mid-chores, he started talking about a friend at school who’s “so lucky!” Said friend (supposedly) never gets grounded no matter what and gets paid (Paid!) for every chore he has to do. All this was said with that oh-so-sly sideways glance. That one that all pre-teens master that both sneaks a peak at parents as well as gauges if that parent is buying any of the b.s. spewing from the pre-teen. Obviously, I figured, this was a ploy to see if I felt sympathy for poor grounded Anthony and as a doubly whammy, to see if I could be guilted into paying him for chores. Thankfully his peripheral vision is right on and he could see that I wasn’t buying it. I was smiling that closed lip smile, raising my eyebrows and shaking my head yes. (Come on Mom’s – you know that look – the , oh-yea-right-nice-try look) I was mentally gearing up for the same discussion we’ve had before about these subjects figuring I’d have to once again reiterate that dad and I’ve chosen our parenting style based on our believes on what’s best for our children and we can’t judge what other parents decide nor can Anthony compare his childhood to another kids. (Blah, blah, blah) Before I could begin my soap box speech, Anthony said: “But I know mom, it’s just who you and dad are. You’re preparing me for real life and teaching me about responsibility and all that junk.”

Aside from the “junk” I was totally impressed. He even said it serious and with out the eye roll. I fought the urge to defend the other parent, not wanting Anthony to think that the parents of the other kid were not preparing the kids for real live and teaching their child about responsibility but I had to remember this was a 10 year old. He wasn’t making that mental leap; it never even crossed his mind. So, I held my tongue, told him he was right, I ground him and don't pay him for chores because I love him. I then reminded him he still needed to take the trashes out.

Maybe being a mean mom isn’t so bad at least its not if they get why I'm mean.

The Moral Dilemma of Swiper the Fox

Yes, you read this right, Swiper the fox should be cowering in his fox hole right now contemplating his morality. Dora too! Though, probably not in a fox hole.

One of the recent topics of discussion between Brad and I has been morality, work ethic, generosity and other characteristic traits and qualities. The topic was born from Pappy’s passing and preparing for his eulogy. As most eulogies go, Pappy’s highlighted his best quality’s and commented on how he passed those qualities on to his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The question later arose between Brad and I: How are these traits and qualities passed on? Are they shown by example? Taught as lessons from our parents? There are varying interpretations of these lesions as Brad and I looked at our siblings and our parent’s siblings. Are we genetically dispositioned to carry on the traits of those before us? We wondered how as parents, we were suppose to “activate” these traits, live by example and teach the intangible lesions that build the framework of a good human being. How do we hone in on true north?

We didn’t come up with any concrete answers but rather that we need to have this type of discussion with the kids (at their level of course) and that we need to lead by example. We also decided that we need to be open and honest with the kids when we are faced with moral dilemmas as adults. Letting them see our conflicts and our ultimate decisions and how they affect us. (This means my accidental klepto days are over – come on mom’s how many of you have gotten to the car after leaving the Target check out with kids in melt down mode only to realize that the $3 bottle of hand lotion you grabbed was laying under your purse? With full tantrum in effect do you return back into the store or just chock it up to a mistake and chuck it into your car along with your kids?)

This brings me to the Dora dilemma. I’m a TV mom, always have been, I personally like having the TV on and think that for the most part kids shows do a great job of teaching life, reading, math and other preschool type of lessons. My kids LOVE Dora. They watch it daily and have our DVR set to record all the episodes with special instructions not to delete their favorites. The list of favorites includes Star Mountain, Dora’s Ballet adventure and recently Swiper’s big adventure: Swiper the explorer. The last one is what they were watching the other day and for the first time, I really paid attention to the subject and the corresponding “discussion” the girls had during the show.

*Warning, this is way analytical, over the top and just demonstrates my ability to deconstruct something totally benign and turn it into something big.

If you know Dora the Explorer then you know Swiper the Fox. He’s the wily nemesis of Dora who goes thru each episode at about the half way point and tries to steal something of Dora’s. Yes, steal. They call it “swiping” but really it’s stealing. Swiper sneaks up on Dora and whoever she’s helping for the day and attempts to swipe something from them. The group puts up their hands and yells “Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping!” and Swiper snaps his fingers and says “Oh Man!” for being foiled in his attempts at the last second. These are some of the catch phrases of the show. My girls know them by heart. They know the sneaking music that starts before Swiper appears.

In Swipers Big Adventure, Dora finds a lost baby fox and vows to help it find its mommy and daddy. Swiper appears early in this episode followed by his usual chorus of “Swiper no swiping!” Except this time, Swiper coo’s over the baby fox and asks if he can help Dora return the baby home. Yea, Swiper’s going to help!

This would be a great spot for a moral lesson to the kids about how Swiper’s going to turn a new leaf. Graduate from a life of crime to one of helping kids. They could showcase how he can help, maybe have him return things along the way. But, nope, that’s not what they do. Instead, they have the standard 3 stops before they reach the end location and the standard 3 obstacles they have to overcome. In this episode, to overcome each obstacle, Swiper has to swipe something. For example, there’s a pile of coconuts in the way and Swiper volunteers to swipe them out of the way. Yea! Swiper’s the hero for stealing the coconuts.

Do you see my issue here? We spend all the other Dora’s teaching the kids that swiping is bad. Then, when it fits Dora’s needs, we condone his stealing. So, it’s ok to steal when you yourself are trying to do something good? (*I know, I told you this was a bit over the top) I kid you not, when Dora suggested that Swiper swipe the coconuts, Kenna shouted “Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!” Then Hailey turned to Keanna and reminded her that it was ok for Swiper to swipe because he was helping to return the baby fox to his home.

Ugh!

Do the ends justify the means? Is it ok to do something wrong, against the rules or bad if your end result is something good? In some cases yes, but how do you teach a child to differentiate?

I’ll give you another example. This one is a bit harder and much more public. The death of Osama Bin Laden. Thousands, maybe millions of people celebrated his death, his killing. This was the conversation I had to muddle thru with Anthony the other day when we overheard another news report on the subject:

Anthony: “Mom, who actually killed Osama Bin Laden?”

Me: “They are not saying exactly who, it was a group of special op’s solders under Obama’s direction.”

Anthony: “So Obama’s getting the credit?”

Me: “Well, sort of, as the President, he’s the leader of the Armed Forces.”

Anthony: “So, is he responsible for killing someone? Will he be the one going to jail?”

Me: “Well…..No, I mean, yes, he’s responsible for the solders actions, but no he won’t be going to jail.”

Anthony: “Who will? I thought if you killed someone, you went to jail? Why are people celebrating?”

Me: “You know who Osama was right? You know that he was responsible for the 9/11 attacks and killed hundreds of people because of it?”

Anthony: “Right.”

Long pause

Anthony: “So, because he killed the hundreds of people, we got to kill him?”

Ugh!

No one told me 10 years ago that parenting was going to be so difficult. How on earth do I explain to my son that we’re angry at Osama for killing and as retaliation we kill him? I’m not saying that Osama didn’t deserve to be punished for his horrific crimes to all of humanity but…I’m shaping the moral compass of future generations here. Is this situation that much different than the Dora example? Killing is wrong, but killing is ok if the person really deserves it. Stealing is wrong, but stealing is ok when you’re doing it to try and help someone. At what point does “really deserve it” get judged, who decides if you’re “help” to someone in need justifies you breaking the rules to do so? How do I reinforce true north while examples abound of veering off course when the ends justify the means?

Does Swiper have a pang of guilt every time he swipes, does he feel that compass needle veering off course? No, probably not, should he have had a pang of guilt when he swiped those coconuts with little baby fox watching in awe at his amazing swiping powers? What about when little baby fox mimicked Swiper and crooned in his little baby voice “Swipe, swipe, swipe!”

Parenting’s hard!