My not-so-secret Secret

For some reason, last year when I started this blog, I neglected to mention one small detail of my life and as the blog went on it became more difficult to just add that detail back in. The detail is about my ‘other’ job; as if being a full time stay-at-home June Clever-esk mom isn’t work enough. I am also, an On-call Scheduling Coordinator for a home health care agency. Basically, when the office closes at 5pm, they roll the phones over to my cell phone and I take any calls that come in up until 8am the next morning. I take calls from anyone that calls any of our 6 offices. Sometimes its clients needing additional services, sometimes its caregivers canceling off of a scheduled shift, and sometimes its junk calls that do not require any action. I’m responsible for rescheduling and staffing any clients in need. I don’t personally go out to anyone I simply call the available caregivers to staff the open shift.

It is truly the ideal job. I get to stay at home with my kids and get paid 40 hours a week. Thanks to modern technology (and a techie husband) I can practically do my job anywhere there’s a cell signal and or wi-fi. I started out 5 years ago working weekends only. Friday 5pm until Sunday 5pm. Then, after a few years, I switched over to the week nights, Sunday through Thursday 5pm till 8am. Sometimes I’d get woken up in the middle of the night with a call but it was a rare occurrence. Just like any job sometimes its all-consuming and sometimes its slower. Well, recently, the last year or so, it’s been slower and slower and slower. So much so that I was actually let go about 8 months ago. So many of my co-workers fought tooth and nail for me to keep my job though that I was hired back on a week later. I was so grateful to my coworkers that fought for me but I was hired back at reduced hours and reduced pay. Since then I’ve been keeping an eye out for another job but this type of job is rare. Usually if an on call job opens up someone from inside the office jumps on the opportunity to work from home and the job posting never sees the light of day.

I'm not really sure why I have never mentioned it before. Everyone that knows me in person knows about my other job but I just never put it down on paper, so-to-speak. I guess maybe because this blog was designed to highlight my life as a stay-at-home mom so I kept my career out of it. However, it’s such a part of my life that I should have documented it as well. This job is what helps support me staying at home with the kids, it helps pay the bills, pay for the vacations and feeds my Starbucks addiction. It also can consume my nights when its busy. I've spent nights locked in my room on the phone and computer making Brad deal 100% with the kids while I deal with a crash call. I've had mornings when I'm woken up at 4am with calls and have to rely on Anthony to help get the girls ready while I calm down panicked clients and corral wild caregivers.

A few weeks ago, after yet another cut in my pay from my current company, I happened to stumble across an On Call position posted on Craigslist. Needless to say, I jumped on the opportunity to explore the position. I’ve been interviewing with the new company for almost two weeks now and was offered the position last Friday. Today, I tendered my resignation with my current company and accepted the position with the new company. Despite the reduced days, hours and pay, I hate leaving my current company. I have been with this company through thick and thin and am not the type of person to leave when times are tough. However, I’ve stuck it out for a little over a year of lean times watching my position be whittled away piece by piece and the truth of it is I have to do what’s best for my family. My salary was never something that Brad and I had to have to make our bills but it was what we used for our weekly groceries, savings and fun money. As my pay slowly started to disintegrate, so did our savings and extra activities. If I can help it, that’s now how I want to live our lives. I’m so grateful that Brad has a stable well-paying job that can completely support us in all the critical ways but I want to be able to enjoy the extra’s in life too.

That being said, it’s not worth it for me to go into an office to work. The daycare cost for the kids is astronomical. Brad and I decided when Hailey was born that I was going to be a stay at home mom. It’s something we feel is important to the mental and emotional health of all of our kids. The On Call job is the ideal way to meld both worlds. I get to bring home a paycheck every week that helps us enjoy the fun things in life as well as ease some of the financial stress and I get to stay home with the kids.

I will be starting my new job in the next week or so and will have to go into the office for 1-2 weeks for training. Fortunately we are surrounded by family who will help watch the kids (the girls particularly) while I am in the office but it will be a BIG change and require a TON of juggling. Five years ago when I started the other job my sister-in-law Monica was living here in town, between jobs herself and was kind enough to come live at my house for 2 weeks while I trained. She is now married, has two kids of her own, is enrolled in the military and lives out of state so, that’s no longer an option. This time, Brad and I will be driving the kids between my mom and step-dad and my mom-in-law and my sister-in-law’s homes for the next few weeks.

My anxiety is already sky high just thinking about juggling it all. I seriously don’t know how other mom’s do it all the time. I am working on a meal plan for the two weeks, a school schedule, a laundry rotation, driving schedule, sleepover schedule, homework help schedule plus back up plans if anything changes. I think I may be starting on Wednesday of this week (two days from now!) so I have a TON to get ready.

Any advice from you mommas that work full time? How do you do it?

Almost done

My 'monthly resolution' for February is to do a complete load of laundry every day. (Have I mentioned how much I LOATH laundry? Yea, loath, hate isn't strong enough of a word.) My January resolution is to clean out a purge every space in my house. So far, I've purged the kids room, my room, my kitchen and most recently, in preparation for February, my laundry room and linen closet.

With the motivational help of my task master momma (Seriously, if I could rent out her crafting, organizational and motivational skills we'd be rich. For now, I'm just very grateful!) we gutted the laundry room, scrubbed every surface, re-arranged the washer, added a shelf, painted and made cute boxes for storage. It also took 17 loads of laundry at the laundry mat just to get to the floor!

After (but not quite complete)


I have been saving this ugly mirror for years and years. I loved the idea of it but it wasn't exactly my style. So, instead, I took the mirror out, repainted the frame and hand-painted a canvas with saying I found on Pintrest.*

Before



After (it's hard to see in this light but the frame is purple!)


And here's the linen closet after 2 garbage bag full of blankets donated to Goodwill.





*Have you found Pintrest.com yet? Go, now, trust me. But, don't blame me if you get lost in it for hours, or create a to-do list a mile long.

Valentines Day Craft

I saw a quote the other day on another mom-blog that said:

"I Didn't Choose to be a Stay at Home Mom to Clean the House."

It made me stop and think about the reasons I did choose to stay at home. Needless to say, I've been taking time-out from cleaning every day to play, read and create with the kids.

Today's craft came via Pintrest.com (my new web obsession-be warned, don't visit if you don't have hours to browse and subsequent hours to create what you've seen!)

Valentines Crayons

Start by unwrapping all your box-less, broken and past their prime crayons. The butter knife helps if you cant get the wrapper to come off. Next, break them up into small pieces. Its a great little kid job - they get a chance to revel in doing something they usually aren't suppose to do!





Place your little crayon bits into heart shape trays. I found these in the Target dollar section years ago but they have som variation every year. HOWEVER, as I unfortunately discovered, these are ICE cube trays, not intended for heat. I melted my two so now, thy will only be crayon molds. (Or trash given I hate holding onto unitaskers.)


Bake at 325 for 10 min until just melted. Let them cool completely then unmold.




We're going to do another set later this week and we plan on giving them to the girls friends at the Jungle Gym. (AKA the Gym)

I have a few more cute crafts for next week too.

So Far So Good

Well, my Christmas guests officially left on Friday of last week so although the New Year started 10 days ago, I’m only counting this week as the start of my New Year.

So Far:

• I returned to the gym after a 6 week hiatus and walked/ran 3.2 miles.
• I am continuing my purge and cleaned out all the Christmas boxes and only put away things that I cherish and put up every year, everything else was donated or given back to my mom. The girls room was purged (again!) and cleaned today.
• I started writing in my journal Monday night
• I also just sent out my invitations to friends and family to join a book club

I’m not deluding myself that I’ll stay this on track the entire year but it does feel good to start off right. I’ve been using my e-calendar to schedule clean out/purge days so I keep myself on track. It kind of sucks but helps me not feel so overwhelmed like I have to do it all at once. I still have my linen closet, desk/craft area and garage. Between now and the end of the month I have to have each area purged without ditching it into another area.

Ugh, why did I sign myself up for this again? Oh yea, I’m crazy. That’s why.

Next month, given that it's one of the shortest, I think I'll tackle the load of laundry every day.

Yea, that's going to be fun. Not!

(Haha, nice 90's come back, huh!)

Professional Photo Shoot

I swear, the gals (I assume somewhere at a JCPenneys far away there is a male photographer) that take the pictures have to be just about ½ crazy to do it. I would wager a bet that it’s part of the job application process; a psych evaluation.

Fail normal sanity?

Work at JCPenneys!

Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re not idiots or incapable of their job, it’s the exact opposite in fact. They are so patient, so kind and so “go with the flow” with so many screaming, non-participating, pain in the ass kids that they have to be 6 short of a dozen. That whole ignorance is bliss theory.

None of that takes into account the overly picky mothers, grandmothers and wana-be glamour-shots-rejects that then, after “she” has coaxed smiles and snapped pictures at lightning speed (capturing a fart that somehow distorted the kids face into a fake smile – all while pretending not to sniff), now has to suffer thru all the crop’s, touch up’s, fake holiday borders and sepia color changes. By the end of the photo shoot “she” sounds much more like an optometrist (number 1…or number 2? Better this….or This?) than a photographer yet I’m quite certain she is paid much, much less.

One circle of hell (for me) would certainly be being a JCPenney Photo girl.

That being said, our Angel with a Camera did a fantastic job taking our group of 4 adults, 2 grandparents and 3 children and turning us into a beautiful collage of family.

All of us: My Dad and Step-mom, my 5 and my brothers

Just the parents and kids

And one of the added borders, shaded backround, black and white, red-eye reduced, stray hair clipped out, just right but not gonna actually purchase, amalgamations:

The Grandparents and Grandkids

And finally, my classic 5.

See the lollie pop? Yep, I'm ok with it because she wasn't screaming. Plus, the look on her face is 100% genuine. "See - I scream, I get the lollie - nananabooboo!"

Its almost too bad Grannie (my mom) wasn't there with the can of whipped cream. Although, I can see a million ways that would have gone bad. :)

Done! With clutter

I’m so done with my house right now!

I’ve been in survival mode for the last 6 weeks or so and my house defiantly shows it. Well, maybe not defiantly, no one else seems to notice but I can feel the clutter and hidden dirt encroaching on me in the middle of the night. It scurries around me like cockroaches!

(Nice imagery huh! Wana come over and hang out here?)

Thus far I have deconstructed my entire kitchen: Cabinet by cabinet, drawer by drawer getting rid of crap I don’t have to have or need to use. I got new plates for Christmas so I’ve gotten rid of every plate, saucer, bowl or platter from all other sets. I’ve gone thru all my glassware and either gotten rid of all the excess or moved them into a “party” box in the garage. I had a million wine glasses, I swear, a million! I did every dirty dish, washed everything by hand that didn’t fit in the dishwasher then paired up every Tupperware with a matching lid. If I couldn’t find the lid, I tossed it! Done! Then, I got up onto my counters and scrubbed the top of my cabinets with industrial strength cleaner (TSP-ph Ever heard of it? Magic! I’m telling you, I could write my own infomercial about this stuff, I love it!) It took me 2 ½ hours to clean the top of the cabinets. There was 6 years of kitchen dust acuminated up there. (Don’t judge - I’d run the extension duster up there every now and then but its that kitchen dust, the kind that’s ½ dust, ½ grease so it just stuck and piled up.)

Now, even though it’s taken me almost two days in rubber gloves, using every ounce of elbow grease I possess, you can’t see a visible difference. I know it’s better though. I know it’s actually clean vs. just looking clean at first glance.  I essentially killed half of the clutter-roaches just by cleaning out my kitchen. Next, my desk/office/crafting area’s getting blown up. Then the kids rooms, then the linen and coat closet then the garage. I can’t stand it any more! (I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit neurotic right? This isn’t something new, right?)

New Years Resolutions

When I started thinking about my New Years resolutions there were so many things I wanted to accomplish but not all of them were worthy of a year’s devotion if that makes sense. My full year resolutions this year are:

• Keep a journal, writing every night
• Go to the gym a minimum of 3 days a week, every week
• Do one Christmas gift craft every 6 weeks
• Create or join a book club

As for the other ideas I had, I’ve decided to accomplish a monthly goal every month this year, a new goal each month. For example, this month, I want to touch/clean/de-clutter and organize every room and closet in my house. In the next 11 months I’m going to try some of the following goals:

• Eat a vegetarian meal two times a week for a month
• Run 60 miles in one month (3 miles a day 5 days a week)
• Spend one day every week with no TV for a month (a summer month)
• Post one new post every day for one month
• Wash, dry and put away one load of laundry every day for a month
• Go an entire month with out purchasing commercial bread, tortillas and pasta. Making my own homemade substitute.
• Substitute one meal a week, for a month, with a new food – experimenting with recipes or restaurants featuring foods we’ve never tried
• Write and send a new snail-mail letter or card every day for a month - kids helping

So far, that’s all I’ve come up with. I need 2 more goals. Anyone have any other ideas? What are your New Years resolutions?

The End of 2011

In so many ways I’m so glad to see this year go, yet, as a good friend just said to me, “I don’t have the energy to start a new year, let’s just let this one continue on for a bit longer.”  I am however, absolutely ready for December to be over with. I just wish there was something between December and January. Maybe Catchupuary. Yea, that would work for me, one full month to catch up on all unfinished business of the previous year before we start a new one.

This last month has been such a whirl wind I don’t even feel like I’ve been able give anything my full and proper attention. The kids birthdays were a success, Kenna felt like a princess and Anthony was a gold miner. I pray that they don’t feel like they ever miss out on anything due to the chaos that is December, that’s a burden I hope is only ever on me. My Christmas decorations were all up at least two weeks before and all my homemade gifts were complete before Christmas Eve. That in itself is a huge success for me. I have done homemade Christmases’ before but ended up so pressed for time to finish them that I’ve spent Christmas eve’s in past never going to bed, finishing crafts up until the point the kids wake up in the morning. This year however, I kept to a schedule and everything was complete on time. I do wish it was a few weeks before Christmas as opposed to a few days but, given that my goal last year was to be done before Christmas Eve, I suppose I shall work on a few weeks as my goal for next year.

Our Christmas was beautiful yet again this year. We spent all Christmas Eve day with Brad’s family. The girls were magical dancing princesses at mass and Anthony was intent on understanding the message behind the sermon. The absence of Pappy during gift opening was profound yet we pressed on. Usually Pappy would hand pick gifts for everyone, usually from some mail order catalog, and usually something that would evoke at least one bout of laughter and hilarious pictures. This year, sadly, there were no Pappy gifts under the tree, just his memory. For the core family (My in-laws, sister in law’s family and my 5) we draw names and do a gift exchange. This year, my niece Abby, wanted to be a part of the exchange as well so there was 7 of us total. For the first time in 11 years of doing the exchange, it was messed up and someone got two presents and one person got skipped. Both my sister-in law and I swear that we got the same person, Helen, my mother in-law and so that meant my sister-in-law was skipped. I felt so bad! Mom made out though, she got two pairs of new jeans, two new shirts, a new dining room table (go Craigslist!) a bath kit, a scarf and new silverware. I’m still trying to find the perfect gift/make up gift for my sister-in-law.

Christmas morning the kids awoke to bikes for the girls and a 32 inch flat screen TV for Anthony from Santa. Once again the space under our tree was filled beyond sitting room but this year we all shared recycled and Craigslist purchased gifts as well. Everyone got one or more new gift but some of the best ones were homemade, or as we called them ‘upcycled’ gifts. I probably always say this, but I think it was one of the best years. A large part of that was also that both my brothers were home for Christmas this year. We haven’t all been home together in 6 years so it was extra special. My mom was in her glory having Christmas dinner at her house with all her children and grandchildren around her table.

My dad and step-mom also changed up their routine this year and drove into town Christmas day instead of flying in a week or so before Christmas. We got to spend an hour or two with them Christmas night and then had the week with them. We took beautiful professional family pictures and did our gift exchange with everyone, my brothers included, on Wednesday before my middle brother, Doug had to fly home. The only downer, was, on the last night my dad was in town, his truck was stolen from the hotel parking lot. Fortunately it was found about 8 hours later but it was in pretty bad shape and most of the things inside, including the gifts we had given them, were all stolen. They rented a car and headed up to my uncle’s cabin in Northern Arizona for the weekend as previously planned but will now be driving back here to pick up their truck from the repair shop vs. driving straight back to Texas.

Somewhere in all of this, my mom also had surgery to fix her carpal tunnel. Its an amazing surgery, she was in and out of the hospital in about 3 hours and, aside from the scar healing, she is in great shape. My step-dad is, as usual, taking wonderful care of her and she’s being treated like a queen. Her only major complaint is having to sit for hours on end. She is and always has been a mover, always working on a project, always cleaning or doing something. (Just in case you ever wondered where I get it from, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.) To help alleviate her sit-down crazies and to ring in the New Year we’re going to spend the night with them tonight. My step-dad’s cooking us a Mexican fest and we’re going to play card games, light of a few fireworks and at least one lantern to welcome the New Year.

Tomorrow night my little family of 5 will sit down to dinner and write out our resolutions. We started this tradition last year and although we kept several of our resolutions we certainly didn’t keep them all. The goal is that everyone has at least one personal goal and we as a family set two group goals. Brad and I already know our personal goals but deciding on an obtainable family goal is still a subject of debate.

Last year, one of my goals was to start this blog. I love that I have this year documented and I love the connections I’ve made because of my musings. I have decided to continue writing here but I haven’t yet decided the direction I want to take this year. I know I want to post more recipes and more craft projects but as for more things like contests, I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. I guess all I can say is if you’ve stuck with me thru my first rocky year of blogging, Thank You, and keep with me as I navigate my second year. I hope to only improve upon this space I’ve carved for myself.

Happy New Year to all, I hope you close 2011 with a smile and welcome a 2012 with love.

Happy Birthday Anthony!

11 years ago today, after a grueling 72 hours of labor Brad and I welcomed Anthony into our life. We were surrounded by family and friends and his life has remained as such and hopefully always will.

Brad and I met in college, a human sexuality class actually.  I was 19 and he was 20. Anthony was not planned but absolutely wanted. Brad and I had only been dating a short while when we found out we were expecting. The scared teenage girl in me was so afraid Brad would run when I told him we were going to have a baby. He came to my apartment that night and I handed him the book: What to Expect When You're Expecting. He looked at it, flipped thru the pages for a second and asked: "Is this what we're doing our final project?"
Me: "Well, not exactly (cue tears), I'm pregnant."
In my mind, he jumped over the back of the sofa, bolted out the door and floored his truck as fast as he could! In reality, he held me while I sobbed until I was quiet enough for him to talk, and then said: “Jen, I already know I love you, and I know I will love this baby, let's make this work."

He moved in the next day and we've been together ever since. It hasn't always been easy and we've had our difficulties, but 11 years, 2 more kids, 4 houses, 6 jobs and countless hours of life changing moments, we're still here, still making it work. But, this is Anthony's story, not ours.

Anthony was an only child for 7 years. He was raised by a village of grandparents, mostly my Papa and my Mom and Step-Dad. On the day he was born, our family took up almost the entire waiting room! We didn't know if I was carrying a boy or a girl nor did we tell everyone our name choices. After I delivered, and the baby was all cleaned up, everyone piled into our little room. My youngest brother Marc got to tell everyone that we had a boy and Brad and I announced his name, Anthony Joseph. My Papa, his namesake, took a few moments to process that we named the baby after him, then, once he realized it, he fell to his knees.

In so many ways, Anthony is still an only child being that there is such a gap between him and his sisters. Yet, knowing who he was even before they were born, it was absolutely right for him to be the much older, bigger brother. He needed that 7 years of focused time with us and he needed the wisdom and maturity of the 7 years to handle the chaos that is two younger sisters. He is a great big brother and loves his sisters in an immeasurable way. They fight, they yell and then cuddle up together on the couch watching kids shows. He shares his popcorn, teaches them how to play games and makes them breakfast every morning.

Anthony has the most genuine heart of anyone I’ve ever known. He is always looking out for those around him and will give anything he has to help someone. He loves Legos and has an engineering mind. He can re-create almost anything via drawing or Legos. He has an artistic talent that continues to grow and amaze us. He just recently has taken up origami, the trumpet and rocket building with his B-pa. He excels at math and spends hours on end lost in his own imagination. He has worn a path into our back yard from where he walks one side to the other thinking, talking to himself and acting out his imaginary plans.

You know that question about having a super hero power? If you could have one super hero power what would it be? I would love to say invisibility but because of Anthony, I would ask for the ability to read minds. I would give anything to see the world the way he does, to be able to view his imagination at work. He gives us glimps of it in his art work, but I know it pails in comparison to what he actually creates in his mind.

He’s impulsive, scatter brained, messy, and often suffers from tunnel vision but I wouldn’t trade any of those characteristics for anything else because they are part of the beautiful young man he is. He is the sum of so many parts and always creating or adding new facets to his personality. I love the stage of life he’s in now but can’t wait to see the man he will become.

Happy Birthday my Anthony, I love you!


Spring 2011

Fall 2010

Sorry this one is sideways but its a drawing Anthony did the day Hailey was born, he drew it with watercolor pencil.

Winter 2003

2002

Summer 2010

Happy Birthday My Makenna

Today is Makenna’s 3^rd Birthday. I can’t believe it’s only been three years since she joined our family. In so many ways her and Hailey are twins, I often expect that they are the same age. Yet, in every other possible way she is completely different. Hailey is delicate, Makenna is tough. Hailey is gentle, Makenna is fierce. Anthony and Makenna are much more alike in personality yet they too have vast differences. Anthony loves order, rules to follow and clear instructions. Makenna relishes in freedom, bucks any rules set before her and only follows her own instructions.

The day she was born was just a small indicator of the person she is still becoming. She is fiercly independent, strong and the type of person that marches to the music in her own head. Despite the fact that she was my 3^rd delivery, she refused to come on her due date, or the day after, or even the day after that. I ended up having to be induced into labor which is rare for a 3^rd. After waiting thru the induction all night, just at the point the Dr. was considering C-section, Makenna decided it was her time. She entered the world in a delivery that defied convention (no need for details here), and broke long standing rules.  

Brad and I tried to have another baby for over 7 years before we were blessed with Hailey. We were content and resigned that Anthony was going to be our only, then, Hailey danced her way into our life. Considering we had 7 years between Anthony and Hailey, we didn’t rush to get into any type of birth control. I was still nursing Hailey and we hadn’t even decided if we were going to try for a 3^rd child, ever, when I found out I was pregnant with Makenna. To say we were shocked is an understatement. To say we’ve been blessed is an understatement of equally epic proportions.

Makenna makes us laugh every day. Every day she makes me pull my hair out and wish for my own time-outs. She is so opposite of Hailey yet they are so close (only 17 months between them) that it’s a daily adventure to watch her. She never reacts the way you expect, she never listens when you think she should but can be the most astute individual when you’re not paying attention to her. She will tackle you with her hugs, grabs your face to smoosh a kiss into you and never goes to bed with out at least 3 hugs. She loves her brother and sister and can’t stand to be away from either of them. She plays with Hailey all day long, pretending to be a puppy, a baby or even the momma. She sings, dances and laughs at the most random times. She demands Anthony tell her good-bye every morning before school and waits by the door when she knows he’s coming home. She is always getting into his legos, toys and anything else that belongs to him. She races outside the moment he does just so she can be with him. It was Anthony who actually named her. On the night we were driving home from telling our family we were pregnant again, we were discussing names. He said: "Can we name her Makenna? I knew a girl at Daycare that was younger than me, she was scared so I use to hold her hand and walk her in every day. She was really pretty and nice." 

Truly, Makenna is her own individual. She is a free spirit who I’m sure will only give me hell in her teens, rebel against the norm all her life and will, God willing, lay on her death bed an old withered lady saying – “Damn, what a ride!” I know she will teach all of us the importance of timing, or lack there-of, and will, her entire life, as in her birth, be fashionably late, creating a sea of smiles as she enters.

MIA

This is the longest break Ive taken from the blog since I started it a year ago. I have a million topics I could post, so many things happen all the time around here. The issue is time! I have no time! We’re making 99% of all our Christmas gifts for our family and friends this year so every day I’m sewing, wood working, baking, or doing some other craft. I would love to post more about the projects I’m doing but since all of my family reads this blog, I don’t want to give away what the gifts are. I do have some other things that I’ll post here soon if anyone is wanting to make gifts for their family and friends.

This week is Makenna’s birthday. Some how, she’s only turning 3. I swear she’s older but according to her birth certificate, she’s only turning 3. We’re having a Sponge Bob Square Pants party for her on Saturday and despite my general haterd of the place, we’re having the party at Peter Piper Pizza. I usually host all the kids parties at home or at my parents house but it’s suppose to rain this weekend and neither house is really great for an all indoor party. So, PPP it is.

Anthony’s birthday is next week, he’ll be turning 11. The party for Makenna is also his “family party” but then he’s having a bowling party with some of his guy friends. He’s in that awkward stage where a kids party isn’t really what he wants but he’s too young for “hanging-out.” He would prefer a sleep over full of Star Wars movies, popcorn and too much sugar but a few of his closest friends aren’t allowed to do sleepovers so that’s out.

When I started this blog I forgot about December, I forgot how absolutely busy this month is. Two of my three kids have birthdays, we have Santa visits, Christmas light tours, gift making, gift exchange parties, school parties, band concerts, class parties, out of town visitors and Christmas itself with all the cooking, baking, shopping, wrapping and decorating. I love it but its so overwhelming some times. So, sorry for absence in writing. One of these nights when I can’t sleep, I’ll finish some of the ½ written posts I have archived. J

Conversations with a 10 year old

Anthony is working studiously on his badges for Cub Scouts (Webelos actually) and is about to “Cross the Arrow of Light” into Boy Scouts. It’s a great tradition and something that we are all very proud of. Brad was a scout and so were many of Anthony’s grandparents.

Brad and Anthony were working on a scout badge the other night that revolved around personal safety. The pamphlet that they were working from is titled “How to Protect your Children from Child Abuse: A Parents Guide.” It truly is a great pamphlet that highlighted how to have conversations with your scout about appropriate relationships with adults and what child abuse is. In theory, I support awareness in hopes of prevention but I’ll admit it was very difficult to have these conversations with Anthony. In order to explain to him how to prevent child abuse in its various forms, including sexual, we had to explain to him what it is in the first place. He has never really had any reason to contemplate abuse in any form other than being upset at us for grounding him or a swat on the butt when he was younger.

Watching his face was a slow motion caption of heart break for me. He listened, then absorbed what we were saying, what cruelties could happen in the world to children at the hands of trusted adults. You could almost watch his mind come up with ‘real life’ scenarios for each of the atrocities he was learning about. It was painful.

I wanted to stop so bad and let him go on in his naive way, not knowing about the big bad world, thinking we, his parents and close family, could protect him from ever knowing these horrible things. I knew though, that, God forbid, he were ever exposed to any form of abuse, knowledge would be his power. By sheltering him from the very idea of child abuse I was making him that much more vulnerable. It haunted me though. I could see his wheels spinning and so badly wanted to see his visions, swear to him that I would never ever in a million years let them happen to him. Hug him tight and reassure him that these were just terrible things that happened to other people never ever to him but that’s not the way the world works and all I could do was remain calm, talk openly, objectively and at his level. We did our best to reassure him of his safety and inform him that his knowledge was his power. At the very end, before he bound off to go play legos, relatively unchanged by his passing thoughts, I did hug him, hard. I tried to convey every motherly protection mantra I was thinking into my hug. I’m sure, in his 10 year old mind he just though I was being mushy, but I slept a little better knowing I hugged him with everything I had after such a difficult conversation.

Thanksgiving 2011

Thanksgiving this year was great, well, they all are, but this year was one of the better ones. We were determined to not spend the entire day in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. We, the girls, never seem to get to enjoy the holidays as a relaxing day with family, its usually a day in the kitchen up to our elbows in pots and pans. This year, instead, we gathered on Wednesday and prepared and cooked everything in advance.

Everything was perfect! All we had to do Thursday was reheat, cook what was already prepared or set things up. We got to enjoy the day relaxing, playing together and eating great food!

Us gals all made matching Thanksgiving shirts to wear. The theme was trees made of buttons. I think they turned out cute!

 

Our best friends, Sasha and Bill and their beautiful girls joined us this year 

My clan:

Go back up and look at the picture of all of us girls, look closely at the picture. Do you see it? The can of Ready Whip next to my mom's chair? It was bribery at its finest. The little kids were not exactly ready to sit and take pictures, they had full bellies and wanted to run away playing, so, we bribed them. One smiling picture equals a squirt of whipped cream. The little ones were all too fast for us to catch with the camera but we got two cute pictures of our big kids:

 Our 4 turkeys. Yes, 4 turkeys, we wanted to make sure we had enough leftovers. Trust me, we had more than enough! One turkey was buried in a fire pit for 24 hours, one was smoked over wine soaked mesquite, one was deep fried and one was baked traditionally in the oven. The pit turkey looked almost sick - it was falling apart completely and had no 'color' to it from cooking because it had no direct heat, but, it was my favorite. It was so jucy! Its the sick looking one on the far left.  

 The wine smoked one looked the best, it's the prize turkey. Isn't it pretty!

Anthony made napkin origami for the table setting, I think they turned out great. He was so proud.

 This was the first year ever that we've had a kids table. When I was growing up we always had a kids table. My brothers, my cousins and I were always at the kids table. It was a huge deal to get to sit with the adults, that was until we realized that the best table was the kids table. It's way more fun!



The ability to change

I’ve been contemplating the ability to change lately. I had an email conversation with a friend that was centered on the people we use to be. This is one of those friends that I only get to see maybe once every 2 years or so but in so many ways we’re soul mates. We met years ago when we were both up and coming corporate stars. The analogy that came to mind (forgive me) is Sonny and Cher. Inseparable for years and years then never seen together. Although, in this case, I became the Sonny Bono character. I am the boring Congress (wo)man, raising a family, no longer raising hell. My friend is still out there, shining in the corporate world, showing up employees more than double in age. (Or in Chers case, half her age)

Anyways, it got me thinking about how change happens. I made the conscious decision to leave the corporate world and raise my family. I decided and have loved my decision to become a stay at home mom and no longer chase the “cheese.” Those were changes I made. Yet, I never made the decision to be a crafting, home cooked meal, (obsessive) house cleaning, baking-just-for-fun type of mom that I am now. That just kind of happened, slowly, over time.

There are so many changes that I would like to make in my life. Nothing big, yet all things that I have tried to force at one time or another in my life. I’ll give you an example. I’m terrible, terrible! with cards. (Some would say the mail in general and although it does seem I have a mental block when it comes to the USPS, I prefer to think that I’m just ahead of the times, snail mail is on its way out.) My issue with cards is deep though. I don’t send out Christmas Cards, Invitations, Get Well, Birthday, Congratulations or Thank You cards. Any of them. That’s not to say I haven’t purchased thousands in my life. I’ve written poetic words, words of sympathy, words of love and support. Purchased cheesy (yes, they’re cheesy) picture post cards for Christmas that have never been sent. One year, my loving mom even went so far as to purchase the cards for me, print the return address labels and the To labels of those that she knew I would send to and she even bought me the roll of stamps and stuffed the envelops. All I had to do was put the labels and stamps on and then drop them off in the mail. Guess what? 5 years later they’re still sitting in my desk drawer in the exact same condition that my mom gave them to me.

I try to not get too worked up about non-personal cards and things like that but Birthdays and Thank you cards bug me. I grab a card, or spend a few min.’s in the isle at Walgreens moments before heading to a birthday party but I always feel like I should have given more thought into the card for someone that means so much to me. Forget about ever sending one off to someone I won’t actually see, I have a hard time even hand delivering cards to non-party birthday people.

Thank you cards haunt me at night. My kids in particular have been so fortunate and received amazing, personal and overwhelming amounts of gifts for birthdays and Christmas. It’s my job as the parent to send the Thank You’s, or at least, help them send the Thank you’s. But I don’t. I’m not going to make excuses (I’m always so damn busy, there is always something else going on that I have to focus on, I never have actual time to sit and do much let alone fill out cards) yet none the less, the excuses win every time. It usually starts out with high hopes of doing the cards the exact day the gift was received or if I’m being realistic I’ll plan to fill them out the next day. Then, it becomes the following weekend I’ll plan to do them. Then, somehow it’s two weeks past. By then I’m onto the next party, event, holiday or other planning whirl wind that I live in. Then, after about a month, I remember in a flash of pain in the middle of the night. I vow to the darkness to send them out the next day. Morning comes, coffee burns, milk sours and I’ve forgotten about my midnight vow. Every event that warrants a Thank You card brings on this month of torture. To compound matters, my OCD brain stresses me that if I start now with the Thank You cards, people will think that I’m not grateful for any previous gifts. So I start writing (in my head) long apologetic letters explaining my faults, begging for forgiveness and outlining every gift I can think of that the person has generously given. Multiply that times 3 kids, 2 adults and party guests of over 20 per party and I feel exhausted and weighed down just drafting the pre-draft, draft in my head. It feels so overwhelming that I end up just giving up. Yet, the guilt never really goes away. It just compounds.

For my birthday this year, Hailey (via my mom and dad) gave me the cutest Williams and Sonoma Message in a Cookie set. It has three shapes and lets you slide letters into the cookie press and customize a message. One of the examples on the box was a cute rectangle with the words Thank You on it. Hum. Maybe this I could do. I love baking, I can make it an event with the kids and cookies perish so I have to get them out with in a certain window. So, I set off making a double batch of these cookies. Taking the time to press into them the Thank You as if I could convey my long (admittingly over dramatic) saga containing all my faults and everything I wish I could say. I tried my best to shut out the part of my brain that said this wasn’t enough, that this was a cheesy non-personal way to say thanks and just move on. The girls and I made two dozen. Then I made homemade icing and piped on beautiful scroll work designs onto each one highlighting the beauty of the simple Thank You.

While those dried on the counter, I left to go get Anthony and my niece from school. When I came home…they were gone! All but two, one broken, one soggy. The rest were gone. Eaten by my dog. Can you believe it? My Thank You cards were eaten by my dog! It sounds like some lame excuse given to a teacher about a missing assignment. Except I’m not a kid and I wasn’t giving these to a teacher for credit, I was trying to change. I was trying to force a change that I’ve been ever unsuccessful with. If it wasn’t for the complete laugh-ability of the situation (come on, say it with me – My Dog Ate My Thank You’s!) I would have cried.

Laying in bed that night, I vowed once again to push forward, push myself, and make the change. So, I got up the next morning and right away made the dough so I could let it rest while I was at the gym (another change I’m trying to force – but that’s another story) taking away any out of time excuse I might have used considering I was due to see some of the recipients that night. I did it, I actually did it, I re-made the cookies, re-frosted them and packaged them up ready for delivery. I even remembered to bring them along. When I got to Bunco, though, I hesitated. I had two sets of Thank You cookies, one for one aunt and one for one cousin who had recently given me a birthday card and gift. What about the other aunts and cousins who had previously given me or another member of my family gifts. What would they think if they saw me handing out Thank You’s. Would they think I didn’t appreciate them? Would they think I didn’t care enough to give them thanks? Had they never noticed my lack of thanks? Would this rub salt in a wound that I inflicted by not thanking them? (I also considered the fact that I am just OCD and crazy and quite possibly making a deal out of nothing. But that’s never stopped my obsessing before and it didn’t now.)

One aunt (not the one I was giving the cookies to) in particular sticks out, she couldn’t come to one of my kids parties a while ago but sent along a beautiful card that my daughter actually treasured until it fell apart and she sent along a generous amount of money. Money that Hailey, the birthday girl, had so much fun spending that I contemplated videoing her spending it at Target just so this aunt could see how much joy she brought to my daughter. I didn’t though. I had grand plans to send a Thank You letter explaining the joy and then one thing lead to another, our vacation came and went and we were over a month out from that birthday party. I never said anything. It has bothered me when I’ve seen her at Bunco since then, and I’ve had a million conversations with her in my head over it but those don’t count.

Yet, here I stood, Thank You’s in hand for a different aunt and I couldn’t bring myself to bring attention to it. I chickened out and snuck them in their purses as I left.

I was contemplating the whole “ability to change” concept the entire ride home. Here I had pushed myself out of my element. Tried to change my ways yet I still felt horrible and overridden with guilt from previous infractions. I was happy I had over come the obstacle at least once (well twice if you count the whole “Dog ate my Thank You’s”) but still, how do I make this right on the whole issue? Should I or should I just move forward? I contemplated a 12 step program for myself “Perpetual non-card senders – Anonyms.” Then, thank to the wine at Bunco, I got sidetracked on the oxy-moron of being in an anonyms club to help cure not being upfront about something. Before I knew it I was home.

Walking up to my house from the curb where my mom dropped me off, I was set in my resolve to force this change. I hopped out with out my shoes on and hobbled across my rock landscape jumping from one brick paver to another. I only have 4 pavers and I clearly need 6. I’ve needed 2 more for over 6 years now. My dad bought the 4 for us way back before we were in this house. The 4 were perfect for the little walk way in our old house. Now, in this house they’re not enough. I’ve been 2 short for too long.  Yet another shining example of a seemingly small change that I just can’t force myself into making.

On that self hating note, I climbed into bed next to my loving, devoted husband under the roof of the welcoming home we’ve created that housed beautiful children we’re proud of and vowed a different vow. I vowed not to beat myself up over change that I couldn’t force.

I’m not giving up, I will change things about myself many times over in my life. I’m just going to try to not beat myself up over who I am, and who I am not.

11-11-11

Friday was a very special day. It was veterans day, historic 11-11-11 and my Papa's birthday. Papa would have been 76 years old. In honor of his birthday on such a historic day we did a few special things together.


We launched balloons at the cemetery after saying a few words. All the kids, even though the girls never actually knew him, said how much they loved Papa and how they missed him.

Hailey blowing kisses to follow the balloons to heaven.

Kenna blowing kisses

Despite the emotion of the day I had yet to cry until I saw Anthony like this. He stood, rooted to the spot, staring off into space like this for about 10 min's. Lost in his own memories and sadness. Papa was his best friend, he was Papa's namesake. They rarely went more than 3 days with out seeing each other. Fortunately, Anthony doesn’t remember much of Papa's battle with cancer; he only remembers his time with him. When Anthony finally looked up from his long pause, I asked him what he was thinking about. He just smiled at me. No answer, just a kind, happy smile that I know was brought from happy memories.

Later Friday night, we were celebrating my birthday at my parents house and took a break to launch Chinese Lanterns in honor of Papa. They are truly beautiful to watch.

No one was paying attention to how many we launched, we were just handing them out to everyone and lighting them. If you look at the pictures, there are 10, but watch the video, there was an 11th one that was just late rising. It was pure magic that we launched 11 balloons on 11-11-11.

It was an amazing tribute that I hope Papa was, in some way, able to witness.

“A (wo)man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams”

Quote by John Berrymore

Tomorrow is my birthday. 11-10 is my day. I use to never worry about how “old” I was getting. I took it all in strides in my 20’s, I even made jokes: “I’m not going to be 30. I’ll stop at 29” It was a joke when I said it and I truly had no grudge against 30 until it approached. My over-thinking OCD brain started into a dark downward spiral.

“What if I die before my 30^th birthday?”

“What if I get into an accident in my 30^th year and die?”

“Did I jinks myself for all those years and now I’m not going to actually be 30?”

I started looking at what I could no longer do. If I went back to school, I couldn’t fit in as one of the kids in their 20’s I’d be the adult in her 30’s. I had a whole list of things that I’d accomplished and was proud of but an even larger list of things that I felt would expire past 30. A list of regrets.

Needless to say, I put on a good show, had fun with family and friends and made an appointment with my psychologist. I made it thru and feel secure in 30. Yet, as 31 loomed, I again started feeling anxious and began building my list again. What did I do or not do this year, how am I treating my 30’s? Will I regret them when I get to 40’s?

Then, randomly, I came across this quote two days ago: “A (wo)man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”  

Lets just paraphrase it and say it again: You will be young as long as your list of dreams is longer than your list of regrets.

Interesting huh? Are you young or old? If I look back on how I thought of my life this time last year, I was old. This year, I’m shifting, I will now look at things left undone as future goals and dreams.

My G-ma always says “It won’t matter in 50 years.” She usually applies it to things like having a clean house, or if her shirt was ironed or not before an event. However, its kind of stuck in my head for many more things.

In 50 years:

• I will be 80 (81 after tomorrow)
• My kids will be 60, 54 and 52 years old
• I will most likely be a grandma, possibly a great grandma
• I will have had jobs, lost jobs, moved, got new cars, kept old cars
• I will hopefully taken many vacations
• I will have buried close family members
• I will hopefully dance at my children’s weddings and help them make a home of their own

Will anyone remember me, or my worse fear – judge me – for not going to college right out of high school? Will anyone remember how I kept house on a day to day basis? What about the kind of furniture I kept? Or how terrible I am with thank you cards? Will anyone know my regrets?

Will the accomplishment of my dreams and the resulting life I lead mean enough to make me feel young at 80? Will it really matter in 50 years?

Tonight, the eve of my 31^st birthday, cuddled in my husband’s arms, under the same roof as our children, I am building my list of goals and dreams for the next month, year, decade and several more after that. I will not hide my regrets nor will I write them in stone, but rather on parchment, in pencil. My future goals and dreams may have a way of making the regret disappear.

Some of my dreams are easy to identify and some take more effort to quantify. Some are dreams I will dream forever and some are bound to change through the years.

When I blow out the candles this year, my wish will be:

To live a good life filled with dreams and accomplishments, surrounded by my beautiful, devoted family and loving friends and to be strong enough to be a support towards their goals and dreams.

Pumpkin, pumpkin and more pumpkin: Recipes 7

Are you sick of pumpkin yet? Remember, just because we're cooking and making all of this now, doesn't mean you have to eat it now. Freeze it!

Speaking of freezer, here's a great recipe for Pumpkin Ice cream:

1 cup pumpkin
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cup brown sugar
5 egg yolks
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp nutmeg
1 Tbsp bourbon

In a bowl, mix together the pumpkin and vanilla. Cover and refrigerate for at least 3 hours or up to 8 hours.

In a saucepan over medium heat, combine 1 1/2 cups of the cream and 1/2 cup of the brown sugar. Cook until bubbles form around the edges of the pan, about 5 minutes.

In a separate bowl, combine the egg yolks, cinnamon, ginger, salt, nutmeg, the remaining 1/2 cup cream and the remaining 1/4 cup brown sugar. Whisk until smooth and the sugar begins to dissolve.

Remove the cream mixture from the heat. Pour about half of the hot mix into the egg mix. Stir until smooth, gradually adding more of the hot mix it's all combined. Pour the egg mixture back into the pan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon and keeping the custard at a low simmer, until it is thick enough to coat the back of the spoon and leaves a clear trail when a finger is drawn through it, 4 to 6 minutes. Do not allow the custard to boil. Strain through a paper towel lined colander. Let cool to room temperature.

Mix the pumpkin mixture into the custard. Cover with plastic wrap, pressing it directly on the surface of the custard to prevent a skin from forming. Refrigerate until chilled, at least 3 hours or up to 24 hours.

After it's chilled, pour into your ice cream maker and freeze according to the manufacture directions. Once done, scoop out into a Tupperware container. Freeze for another 3 hours or so, until firm.

I like to buy a Graham cracker crust and crumble it to sprinkle on top along with some pecans and a small drizzle of caramel.

Yum!

Pumpkin, pumpkin and more pumpkin: Recipes 6

This recipe is for my Mom-in-law who has kicked herself into a whole new healthy eating lifestyle. Not only does she feel better but she looks great to boot! Just ask my Dad-in-law!

Pumpkin Pie Shake (low fat)

1 container Yoplait light vanilla yogurt
1 cup pumpkin puree
1/2 cup strong brewed Good Earth Tea - trust me!
1 packet sweetener - yellow, Splenda tastes better in my opinion

Topping
1/2 cup fat free half and half - very cold
1 Tbsp sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

If you can be patient, mix the agave with the tea and freeze the yogurt, ice tea and the pumpkin in an ice cube tray. If you're sweet tooth won't wait, use a 1/2 cup of ice.

In your blender, blend the topping ingredients until fluffy. Scoop out into a cup. Add the remaining ingredients to the blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a pretty cup, top with the whipped cream and enjoy!

This has about 282 calories, is almost entirely fat free and has a bit over 10 grams of protein. This is good for a sweet treat after a light dinner, or as a great start to your day as breakfast.

Yum!